Funny

"if it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get in my house?"

Why don't you ever make the bed?

For the same reason I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

How can we worship god?

Lets not eat pig...

wait! lets cut off part of our penis!


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(making fun of the british)

How could he be so reckless? The british are our only allies. Him and his edgy catsup jokes.


I'm sorry, you guys need to see this guy....Jim Gaffigan

Not funny!

I agree, this man is funny.

not funny!

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”

“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff"


“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”


“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”


Funny!

“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”


“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.



“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”



“If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say”

i love those...