Joke Thread

[drago]

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after some silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and the guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[drago]

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.


A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,


"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"

[datrain711]

I was walking down the street and i saw a fat white girl holding hands with a black guy. This white girl acted pretty cocky, she definitely thought that she was something special. So I walked up to the girl and said, hey can I tell you something?

she said, yeah what is it

I said that the only reason black guys have sex with you is that they feel like they are beating up a white guy and getting away with it

[Mr. Reynolds]

I was walking down the street and i saw a fat white girl holding hands with a black guy. This white girl acted pretty cocky, she definitely thought that she was something special. So I walked up to the girl and said, hey can I tell you something?

she said, yeah what is it

I said that the only reason black guys have sex with you is that they feel like they are beating up a white guy and getting away with it

hahhhaahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaha omg that happens all the time...

drago your's were funny also but this one was hilariously true!!

[drago]

4 nuns die in a car accident --
as they approach St. Peter at the pearly gates he asks the nuns
before entry into heaven you must answer my question and answer honestly
Have you ever touched a mans penus
THe 1st nun replies yes your holiness I did with my finger
Very well says St. Peter stick your finger in the holy water and you may enter
The 2nd nun says yes your holiness I touched one with my hand
Very well says St. Peter stick your hand in the holy water and you may enter
THe 4th nun shoves the 3rd nun out of the way and says
If you expect me to drink that after she sticks her ass in there you crazy

[tictac]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....





'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[lacey]

That was a good one.

[carter]

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the
price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[tictac]

Bring it back baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.


Mitch Hedberg

[tictac]

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting

“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"”

Jack Handy

[drago]

Bring it back baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.


Mitch Hedberg

[cpschult]

What's the difference between your girlfriend and a soccer field? I don't know either, but I know she's a whore!

[carter]

strange joke...sort of funny though...

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel.

[tictac]

What's the difference between your girlfriend and a soccer field? I don't know either, but I know she's a whore!

Your joke sucks!

Now bring me some mint leaves! AHORA!

[cpschult]

i think that joke is more a hammered at a bar talking **** .. but who knows

[carter]

I feel like i have lost rights to my michael jackson joke...that sucks!

[tictac]

Michael Jackson lost his rights to you, once you turned seven. OUCH!

ho ho ho wine!